Any summer vacation worth its saltwater has an epic quality to it. This is particularly true for bad summer vacations. Here’s what they might look like in literary form.

ONE FLEW OVER THE RENTAL CAR COUNTER

WATERSLIDE DOWN

ZEN AND THE ART OF LOST LUGGAGE MAINTENANCE

A ROOM WITH A PUGH

SOMETHING WICKER THIS WAY COMES

AS I LAY BURNING

THE UNBEARABLE LIGHTNESS OF BEING IN BEACH TRAFFIC

A MIDSUMMER NIGHT’S SCREAM

THE CALL OF THE WILD TODDLER IN THE SEAT BEHIND YOU

THE AGE OF JELLYFISH

TENDER IS THE BITE

THE WINNEBAGO OF OUR DISCONTENT

A FAREWELL TO CARBS

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO AARP

BLOOD AND SAND

BLEAK HOUSE

THE CONSTIPATED TOURIST

LORD OF THE FLIES, TICKS, MOSQUITOES AND THOSE SPIDERS THAT JUMP

May all of your vacations be good ones. But bring the First Aid kit anyway, just in case.