It’s that time of year again, when exhausted politicians show up at a banquet hall and try to put a good face on a losing campaign. Here are a few do’s and don’ts.
Let’s start with some things you definitely need to include:
1. “With your help, we changed the tone of this race.”
2. “Together, we proved that civic engagement does make a difference.”
3. “I had the great privilege to meet so many wonderful people and hear their concerns.”
4. “Our voices were heard, loud and clear.”
5. “I wouldn’t trade these last few months for anything.”
6. “It was a hard fought campaign, but we can hold our heads high.”
7. “Just a few moments ago, I congratulated my opponent and offered my complete and sincere support.”
8. “I plan to remain involved in public affairs. You haven’t seen the last of me.”
9. “I couldn’t have done any of this without a great staff and the love and support of my family.”
Now, here’s what each of those statements actually means.
1. “My only shot here was to go negative, and I jumped into that cesspool with both feet.”
2. “Honestly, nothing we said or did seemed to make any difference with the electorate.”
3. “You would not believe how many seriously messed-up people are willing to show up at an elementary school parking lot and grouse about their property taxes!”
4. “Is it just me or did my rallies sound incredibly shrill to you?”
5. “I’ve literally wasted a full year of my life, with nothing to show for it. I don’t even know who won ‘American Idol’ last season.”
6. “In hindsight, the Hitler commercial was a bit much. My bad.”
7. “I spent a very awkward two minutes on the phone with Smuggy McSmugster. You can imagine how THAT went.”
8. “Stay tuned for the details about my new radio show.”
9. “Don’t blame me; blame these dolts standing next to me. I’m just hoping my family will start speaking to me again before Thanksgiving.”
And so, another Election Day arrives. Be sure to vote today!
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